Homemade Sex Scandal
As he'd bought my pie and mash the weekbefore I insist on buying his ticket and he lets me.The film is forgettable; some mish-mash of styles with not-quite-rightactors and an off the boil director trying to copy something of lastyear that was better crafted. However, it will always have a soft spotin my heart for being the movie where I was content to sit beside himand be happy.Our third date is in a tractor in the middle of a field he's ploughing.Finding myself at a loose end one Friday, when the CO unexpectedlyflies to Spain for the weekend with Rebekah and their daughters, Idrive myself to the farm and introduce myself to his Mum.She's a petite, red-faced whirlwind in tweed and wellingtons who seemsto do everything with a Labrador and a tattered, calico moggy at herheels."Heard a lot about you," she says, in a clipped, very brisk voice oncethe introductions are done. The guarded way she looks me up and downlabels me a most unsuitable girlfriend; though I'm wearing a cosyjumper,. “You are a cruel man, like my father, do you have any wives?” she said admiringly.“Look I’m fucking dying,” says Denzil.“No way,” I says, “Don’t want to be tied down.”“Too fucking ugly to pull,” Denzil whines, “Get on the R/T I’m fucking dying here!”“I should be honoured to be your wife,” she says.“No, soon as we get Denzil sorted immigration will arrest you,” I explained.“Then throw him over the side instead!” she suggested.“I’m fucking tempted,” I explained, “Here take the life jacket, you owe me five fucks remember.”“I will pay you.” she says and she lets me strap the life jacket on her and she jumps in the water and sort of half dog paddles after her mates.“I’m fucking dying remember,” Denzil whined.Just then we spotted Dan returning. “Full ahead both!” I shouted down the voice pipe to the engine room.“What you mean both,” Ross replied, “We only got half an engine let alone two.”I heard him crank the engine, as in with a starting handle, electric start was fucked, and then it.
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